When one has a family of Sadists and Psychopaths
by summerautumnwinterspring
Summary: Living with sadists and psychopaths. Fun, huh? The story of a child the Ninth adopted, and the story of Xanxus's fake little sister
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"_Are you sure about this?" _

"_Indeed."_

"_You don't even know her. You can't adopt her!"_

"_Like how I couldn't adopt Xanxus-kun?"_

"_Precisely."_

"_I'm glad I did that!"_

"_Are you sure you should be?"_

"_They can be siblings! I'm sure they'll get along just fine."_

"_Your optimism gets on my nerves."_

* * *

(Fuyuko POV)

I wake up most morning by hearing a door smash, then a high-pitched squeal, then an extremely noisy shout –VOIIII!- , a smashing of glass, the sound of paper being counted, actually, I'm going to stop. The list is endless. But I must add, the thing that can wake the deepest sleeper in the world (me) is the feel of a death/rage aura. It perks me instantly.

* * *

I kick myself off the bed, and force myself to dress. There are no missions today (not any that I know of), so a simple shirt and baggy pants will do. I go barefoot, and (as usual) my dark, long hair tickles my neck. Long hair can be irritating, but when you live in the same house as someone that adores stroking silky hair, the moment you _touch_ a pair of scissors, that someone refuses to stop squealing until you chuck the scissors out the window. Even though i really wanted to cut it too. It was getting on my nerves, and I was trying to cut it UNDER the blanket on my bed. How did Lussuria catch me trying to cut it, you ask? His so-called 'sensor' tingles and he instantly knows that I'm trying to do something he doesn't like. It's annoying, scratch that, creepy, when you open the scissor blades, just an inch, and a voice in your ear (still under the blanket) whispers- '_what do you think you're doing, Fuyu-chan~~~?_"

* * *

Let me tell you something. The word 'sane' and the word 'Varia' do not go together. Brother Xanxus is the same, Bel is unique in his own way –cough-, Squalo is loud, Marmon still has his love for money, Levi is still obsessed with Xanxus-nii and Lussuria wants me to be his sister too. Great, huh?

I hear a loud crashing downstairs and a bam of a gun. Darn. I thought I lectured them not to destroy the mansion! I run down flights of stairs, to my 'loving' family of psychopaths and sadists.

* * *

First fanfic…

Don't kill me if it sucks…

REVIEW PLEASE…


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for reading! :D

hope its to your liking

* * *

(Fuyuko POV)

Just by looking at the scene could I infer what had happened. Firstly, everyone except for Squalo and Lussuria had a bowl of a purple, gooey, sticky…gunk in front of them on the table. No, I do not think it deserved to be called food. As for Squalo, he had a saucepan of gunk at his feet, and he was shouting about his hair. It looked as if someone had burnt it off. Perhaps. Just maybe. And Lussuria had a large hole seared into his hot pink apron and a face of pure shock.

Got it. Squalo and Lussuria were forced to make breakfast. It did not turn out so well. The gun shot had been caused by Xanxus, who had seared a whole through Lussuria's pink apron and burnt some of Squalo's hair. The crash was caused by Squalo, who had dropped his saucepan and was now yelling about his hair. Oh, I totally knew what was going to come from Squalo…

Everyone turned to look at me.

"_Around now…"_ I thought.

"VOIIII! STUPID WOMAN!" Squalo yelled.

"_It came."_

"VOII! YOU'RE A FEMALE RIGHT? COOK!"

"Too noisy." I stood there glaring at Squalo with my arms folded._ "I would have assumed that after tasting the food I first cooked for them, they would have never thought about it, let alone ask me to cook more." _

"Mou~ Fuyu-chan~." Lussuria pouted childishly. "Pwreetty please with a chwerry on top?"

"Too creepy."

Levi pulled out an umbrella from his back and caused lightning flames to cover it. He tried his best to glare at me evilly.

"I wonder why, you aren't scary at all." Sarcasm dripped off my words.

"If you end up cooking, I won't pay you." Marmon continued counting his wad of cash.

"I won't cook, you won't pay. That's fine, right?"

"Ushishishi, let the prince handle this." Belphegor pulled out a fan of knives. "Cook, peasant, or die. Ushishishi."

I spun on my foot, pretending not to hear Bel. "You said something, fake-prince? Oh, sorry, didn't catch that. Maybe your voice sounded so constipated I mistook it for Levi, that octopus's fart."

"O-Octopus?"

"Ushi." Knives flew at me, and if it wasn't for my random instinct, I would have been sushi.

I bent backwards and let a knife fly over me, then I kicked two away from the side with my bare feet, and I kept dodging until I was in a very unique position. My back was in an arch, backwards, my head was tilted sideways, one of my legs was on top of my other leg, one finger was behind me making sure I wasn't about to fall, and the other hand was catching any other random knives Belphegor was about to chuck. Great position, really comfortable.

I caught another two knives (still in the awkward position), and threw them away randomly, landing (and cracking) Bel's plate. Purple mush wafted its way onto Belphegor's shirt. Whoops.

"Ushishishi… why you…." Bel pulled out an array of knives.

Damn. I maybe was in a little trouble. Whatever. I hate fighting in the morning. I'm never awake enough to concentrate. I pulled out two metal fans from a mysterious dimension (Just like Gokudera and his bombs) using my spare hand and quickly cut the wires that surrounded me. At least I could get up from the weird position now.

* * *

Metal fans vs Knife-fans. Go me.

Belphegor threw his knives swiftly.

Oh, never fear, I'm Varia, and I have Varia quality too.

I thrusted my weapon forcefully and met his knives tip-on-tip with my fans. His blades shattered.

"Ushishi…Tch. Same as ever, peasant."

"Thank you for the compliment, _prince." _I somersaulted and landed on the handle of the saucepan that Squalo had dropped. The remaining bits of mush flew directly into Belphegor's face.

"Ushishishi. The prince will shred you to bits."

"Come on then, Mr Fake-prince. I haven't got all day."

"I will~ Ushishishi."

Bam! A gunshot rang through the noise and pierced a hole in the wall in the gap between me and Bel. Whoops. Cue- Xanxus-nii.

Belphegor had shut up. Xanxus turned to look at me.

"Trash."

"Ok, I'll make breakfast."

* * *

(In the kitchen)

Ok, let me tell you a secret. The first (and only previous) time the Varia had told me to cook, I had cooked a disgusting (even worse than Lussuria and Squalo) meal for them to eat. On purpose. I did that because I'm lazy (Ok, I admit it) and I thought that they would never ask me to cook again. Dead wrong, me, dead wrong. I'm actually a pretty good chef. I'm not trying to boast, it's true.

From the kitchen, I could hear Belphegor's remarks of his victory (what?), Lussuria's squeal (annoying), and Squalo and Levi's noisy bickering (loud, people, loud).

Oh no, I was not just going to whip up a 5-star meal for them all. But for nii-san and myself maybe…

I lazily pulled out a bunch of fancy platters and dishes, the frypan, and other utensils. I grabbed some steak, ham, potatoes, flour, butter, herbs, milk, a couple of other random ingredients and some tequila and started cooking. (No, it's not for me to drink)

* * *

"Breakfast is served, idiots." I placed some fancy platters down on the table in front of each person. A delicious smell wafted around the room.

"VOII! HOW COME LAST TIME YOU COULDN'T COOK?"

"I still can't. For particular people, that is."

"Ushishishi, the peasant is a liar. It smells fit for a human. Ushishishi."

"Humph. Boss must enjoy his meal, or I will kill you."

"I'm still not paying for this."

"Fuyu-chan~ I'm so glad you came around!"

Ok, I felt kind of bad after that last comment.

* * *

I whisked the platters off four dishes. Squalo, Levi, Bel and Lussuria saw a 'beautiful' sight. A black , bubbly, frothy dish (that was far worse than Squalo and Lussuria's) with worms and caterpillar guts coming out of it sat in front of them. The four of them vomited on the spot at the sight.

"Fuyu-chan~~~ Meanie!" Lussuria pouted again.

It was then my turn to vomit.

I walked over to Xanxus and poured him a cup of tequila. He nodded in return, and I walked over to Marmon.

"This is something little babies should have… be grateful, Marmon." I took the lid off Marmon's platter. There was… a bottle of milk. No, not _m__ilk,_ top-quality milk.

Marmon ignored it and knocked it to the floor using an illusion.

"I used the best milk-powder brand there was. The one that was most popular with babies." I told Marmon. "You cannot not like it."

My bad. Marmon dissipated into mist.

"VOII!" It seemed Squalo had regained his strength. "HOW DID I THINK THAT THIS TRASH SMELLED GOOD?"

"Oh, you want the answer?" I walked over to my seat, which was on the right-hand side of Xanxus's, and sat down. "This." I took the lid off Xanxus's plate and my own plate. On Xanxus's plate, sat large pieces steak and ham, a cooked fish, roasted potatoes, gravy, and herbs. On my own, there was a medium-sized piece of fried bread, a small tart, a pie, some waffles, a small slice of steak with sauce, and vegetables.

Ok, I'm a big eater. So what?

Xanxus smirked and dug in. I did the same. Everyone else collapsed in their chairs and fainted of hunger.

It's what you get for trying to force me to do things, my, dear, dear family.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(Fuyuko POV)

I twirled my fork around my fingers. For your information, I was in the middle of a very important decision. I sighed.

"Accept my most humble apologies, meat, but you're just too good. In this world, I just can't give you up. But it's so terribly cruel to you piggies and sheepies and cowies-" I rambled on and on.

"VOIII! STUPID WOMAN!" Squal- Whoops, I meant stupid long hair's voice broke through my train of thoughts.

"What?" I glared at stupid-long-hair. "Yes, stupid-long-hair?"

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF? IF PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THE VARIA KNEW THIS, THEY'D THINK WE WERE CRAZY!"

"You think people don't believe we're crazy already, stupid-long-hair?"

-Insert glare here with hair sticking out in all directions-

"Oh, and for your information I was not talking to myself. You think I'd call myself meat, pigs, sheep, and cows?"

"Ushishishi, piggies, sheepies and cowies... Amusing~ Ushishishi~" Belphegor threw a knife and the dartboard on the nearby wall in boredom.

"Get out of this, Bel." Squalo and I replied simultaneously. (Well, he shouted, but…)

"And of course you'd call yourself meat, you are meat." Squalo smirked childishly.

"Stupid long hair really is the perfect name for you…" I put a hand on my head and sighed.

"Of COURSE it does- WAIT WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? VOIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

I clapped. "Your longest shout so far today. Good job." I cracked up slightly. "And you've answered to 'stupid-long-hair' twice today."

"WHY YOU…!" Squalo picked up a bunch of small blueberry tarts from the table and threw several at me. They landed right in my face and all over my hair.

"You idiot! Washing hair is so... UGH!" I was done with holding back my anger. I pulled the tarts off my face.

Squalo cracked up and his face turned red from all the laughter.

I frowned and picked up the rest of the food on the table. Then I threw all of it at Squalo. Not exactly. I threw the food at Squalo, who ran and ducked behind Xanxus-nii's seat. And I, who temporarily forgot that food could not pass through chairs, threw the remaining pies in the particular direction. The food landed on -

I didn't want to think about it. I flashed a cheesy grin before grabbing an apple from a nearby pot and bolting out of the door and the gate. At least I had emergency rations, right? Even though a mere apple would not last very long…

I could threaten people for food, but I wasn't really that kind of person. Anyway, the point is that I ran out of the mansion and went to a waterfall in a nearby forest. Where I thought I would be alone.

* * *

I was wrong.

A young boy with floppy green hair was standing in the waterfall. He wore a plain white singlet and brown pants, and he was barefoot, like me. In addition, he was holding a fish up by two fingers, and he was poking it as if he had never seen one before. He lifted the fish up to his nose and gave it a big sniff, which caused the fish to take the opportunity to bite the boy's finger and escape back into the water.

The point is that he didn't notice me. Not at all. It wasn't that I wanted attention. I wanted to know why the boy was not alert and cautious. In not just any place, in a suspicious forest near the Varia mansion.

The boy turned around to look at me.

I didn't know what to say. I raised my hand and waved it awkwardly. "Um… hi?"

The boy's face didn't shift a millimetre. Instead, he turned around and found more fish to poke.

No, unlike perhaps Bel or Squalo, I was not annoyed. Instead, I rolled my pants up and walked over to the rocks he was standing on. Using my 'Varia' quality, I stabbed four fishes using my metal fans (which magically appeared again), and prodded sticks through them. I found two rocks, and created a small fire. I noticed the young boy watching me intently. His face was still blank, however. Stoner…

I stuck the fishes into the fire, and I heard the sound of a stomach grumbling. No, not me, the kid. I grinned and offered a fried fish to the boy, who grabbed it and dug in.

He probably finished the fish in less than thirty seconds. Goodness… were his parents underfeeding him or something? I offered him another fish, and he gulped it down in no time flat, bones and all. I wasn't sure if that was healthy though…

He observed the person before him. He noticed something and refused to tear his gaze from the thing in my hands. Of course! The apple I grabbed before I left. Had he never seen an apple before?

The boy opened his mouth and spoke quietly and slightly shyly. "What… is…. That?" He pointed to the apple and tilted his head sideways.

"It's an apple." I replied. "Here you can have it, if you want." I threw the apple over to the mysterious young kid, who caught it and observed it.

"It… does… nothing."

"Of course it does nothing. You eat it. Go on, bite into it."

The youth took a small bite from the side of the apple. His mouth smiled, just a bit. "It's… much nicer… than Grandma's …bentos."

"It's nice, isn't it? I can give you more food if you'd like."

The boy nodded. He looked as if he had thought of something, and he passed me the apple. "Hold … please…"

The boy held his hands out in front of him, and a light appeared. When the light faded, he was holding two hats. Not any hats, hats modelled after the fish and apple I gave him.

I grinned, holding back my laughter. Seriously, the kid was amusing.

"Hm… I don't know about you, but I prefer the apple hat." I told the boy, as I stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. He nodded and the fish hat disappeared. He placed the apple hat on his head, and looked up at me. I patted his head, –well, more like the hat- and picked up the remaining fried fish and his apple and gave it to him.

"Souvenir…" The boy murmured.

"You don't live around here?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I live… France… Jura. With… grandma. I… this… real illusion…"

Of course, I was such an idiot! He was just like Marmon. But Marmon was a baby, and the boy was six or seven. Why didn't I realise he was an illusionist when he created the hats out of thin air? Oh god, I am so dumb.

I bent down and doused the fire with water from the waterfall.

"I'm Fuyuko." I told the boy. "Oh, isn't your grandma worried that you're missing?"

He shook his head. "Grandma… never realises.

"Will you come back here sometime?" I had to admit, I enjoyed his company.

"I… don't know. But… I have to… go now… lunch… Grandma is… calling me…"

"I would like to see you again one day…"

"The kid started fading into mist. "My name… is Flan. I… can I… visit you… in your dreams?"

"Of course." I held out my hand, and we did the pinkie-promise thing.

"Promise…" he said, before disappearing into the mist.

* * *

Ok.

One good thing, one bad thing.

The good thing was that I made a new friend.

The bad thing. I had to return to the mansion and apologise to Xanxus-nii for getting 'tart' all over him. Just great.

I trudged back to the mansion, mouth pursed, clearly annoyed. I kicked the door down, and Lussuria came rushing over.

"Oh~ my~ Fuyu-chan~. You've returned! Give Nee-san a big hug!"

"Tell me, Lussuria. Why are you so happy I've returned to meet my doom?"

"Fuyu-chan, you're really clueless, aren't you."

"What do you mean, Lussuria?"

"Before the tarts you threw reached the boss, he shot them with his guns, Fuyu-chan!"

So I had run out of house all for nothing?

Lussuria continued. "So, the tarts burst, and the boss got covered in tart mush ~! That's all!"

I buried my head in my hands. It seems I would have to apologise anyway.

DAMN!

* * *

Um… hope you liked it…

Please review . ...Please?


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